How do I escape my pain, what is on the other side of it
Response to prompt from Souleika Jaouad Isolation journals with Laura McKowen on the wisdom of no escape
This morning I returned to instagram and was grateful for my feed and algorithm of deep thinkers and feelers. I found
´s post 303 on hot peppers and radical acceptance which also referenced and my writing is in response to their prompt.I escape my pain in fantasy and in denial. I do it because I'm afraid that the pain will engulf me. I'm afraid that there will be no end to it, that I will stay there forever. I´m afraid of my own weakness and consistently forget that it is part of my strength. The courage I have to face my pain to feel it and to share it with those I care about. This grief scares me because things that normally make me feel better don´t make a dent on it. The friendliness of strangers, time with friends and family, the sweetness of my nieces and nephew, my children´s laughter and deliciousness. The only thing that seems to help is going deeply into it and acknowledging it and sharing that reality with others, often through my tears.
I´m afraid that things will always be this hard and that I will always be this stuck and unable to move my energy forward. I´m scared that I will have to carry things on my own and be strong forever and that no one will step in to help. I felt like this last night, I felt ashamed of my pain and locked myself into my room when so many people who love me were downstairs. So after realising that this is what I was doing (hiding myself away out of shame), I went downstairs eyes full of tears and sat down on the sofa next to my loved ones. They asked me if I was OK and I said no. They held me they gave me tea, they stroked me and listened and gave me encouragement and validation. And I wonder why am I not with them all of the time. These people who make time for me and love me.
Maybe if I stopped being in denial about the pain and grief I am in I would be able to be with myself. I would sink into a deeper wellbeing instead of feeling like I have to run towards others and away from myself. Every time I phone a friend am I running away from myself. If i befriend this pain I may learn something important about myself, about how to move forward in a way that hurts less.
(And on a sidenote, love is a verb an action, and even in this pain, I´m lucky enough to have access to it and to exercise it. Andrea Gibson´s poem cheered me up.
´Why is loving someone who doesn´t
love me back a sad tune?
Isn´t the one who loves,
the one who is lucky?´
Andrea Gibson )
Later that evening I went for a walk in the rain and in the dark. During the day my nervous system had been too frazzled by all of the noises. Every airplane going past set me on edge. The rain made me feel scared. On my walk I heard some women chatting, it was soothing. I saw a frog or a toad and I observed it. I heard an American accent and realised my cousin had come down to the pond to stretch her legs and talk to her friend. We walked together.
Back at home my younger son said he wanted to go for a walk too. So we went out again, he asked my mum to join us. They walked together arm in arm, I walked a little ahead. He said to me he didn't want to go back yet. He wanted to stay longer. I said I know, I do too. My other son said the same thing, he wanted to stay longer, and maybe we will.
When we got back home the uncomfortable feelings started coming again, all of the noises are too loud here. My parents live under a flightpath and the clouds magnified the noise of every passing plane. The rain was so heavy I was sure it would start invading the house. To counteract all of this I watched some funny videos that my cousin and I made over and over again and they cheered me up so I decided to make an instragram profile (check out friendswithclara) with silliness and laughter. What a contrast between the silliness I show there and the many tears and big difficult feelings I have been feeling. They are all true and valid. The silly laughter and the grief.
My friend sent me a message that she was so happy to see me like that, laughing and I told her, I´m actually having a really difficult time and the laughter is when I have a short break from the grief and pain.
So now it seems my time here is running out and it´s back to life at home and carrying the responsibilities on my own. With help from my friends. I have to get better at asking and maybe even insisting.
Love, trust, faith, patience, allow for natural change. Deep into the grief, don´t be scared, love won´t leave.
I love, I love, I love.